


Darcy's Crazy Family

by Illusinia



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Father!Coulson, Grandfather!Fury, Humor, Mother!Natasha, Multi, Multiple Pairing, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-27
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2017-11-04 09:46:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/392463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illusinia/pseuds/Illusinia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint goes to meet Darcy's family and gets the shock of his life. The poor man is so screwed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, I don't know where this came from. I'm going to blame the stress from my thesis for this. Originally, it was just supposed to be Pepper, Coulson, Fury, and Darcy pranking Tony. Somehow, it became this.

Tony smirked as he strolled into the room, hands pressed into his pockets as he whistled. “So, I had a very productive morning.”

From the table behind where Steve, Clint, and Thor were eating at the counter, Pepper shook her head. “I'll believe it when I see it Tony.”

“What? I did!” exclaimed Tony with a minor pout. “I managed to get all of Coulson's stupid little forms done and I got that S.H.I.E.L.D. contract I've been meaning to complete done. What else do you want?”

“Peace and quiet?” suggested Clint with a smirk.

“A lack of inappropriate remarks towards the women we work with?” tried Steve hopefully.

Thor glanced at his brothers and shrugged. “I see nothing wrong with the way brother Tony acts.”

“Thank you Thor!”

“Though he could perhaps attempt to not ramble as my brother was wont to do when we were younger and he found a tome particularly interesting,” mused Thor.

Tony groaned. “Wow, from complemented to being compared to a sociopath. That was low big guy.”

The sound of a chair scrapping against the floor drew everyone's attention to Pepper, who was gathering her work together and storing it in the profile she carried. Her motions were meticulous and calm, as always with no indication of what she was doing. She never looked at the others or spoke up as she packed. 

When she turned towards the door, Tony was standing in front of her. “Where are you going Pep? I thought we'd grab lunch.”

Pepper shook her head and calmly stepped around Tony. “Sorry Tony, I have a standing lunch appointment to keep. I'll see you boys later, don't destroy the mansion while I'm gone.” Without giving Tony time to object, she was out the door and heading towards the garage. 

For several moments, the men just listened to the click of her heels before the sound disappeared behind the closing of a door. Tony stood in the room, eyes narrowed in a thoughtful face that made everyone else want to bolt. Clint was halfway out of his seat when Tony grabbed him.

“Where do you think you're going, Archer boy?” asked Tony without taking his eyes off the doorway.

“Uh, I have something do to,” replied Clint. The response sounded like a lie.

Tony tsked at him. “Like what?”

“Like lunch with my girlfriend?” tried Clint uneasily.

“Bullshit. Clearly you need lessons from Loki,” reprimanded Tony lightly. “That's the worst lie I ever heard.”

Clint growled a little and shrugged Tony's hand off. “Its the truth. The girl I've been dating for close to two years is in town and I'm supposed to have lunch with her and her family.”

“Sure Barton,” chuckled Tony. “So where has this mysterious, never-before-mentioned girlfriend been for the last six months?”

The blush that covered Clint's cheeks was real. Apparently, the man could act. “She's been working. In another state.”

Tony shook his head. “Still not buying it Barton, which means you get to join the rest of us in following Pep to this 'standing lunch appointment'.”

Clint rolled his eyes, arms crossing in front of his chest as he turned to look at Tony. “Really Stark? Why don't you just man up and ask her out already.”

“Clint's right Tony,” cut in Steve. “Following her during lunch isn't exactly the sign of a healthy relationship.”

Thor nodded sagely beside the super-soldier. “Brother Steve is right. If you seek to court Lady Potts, you must vocally and publicly display your affection and intentions so others might be warned off!”

Tony grinned as he turned to Thor. “That's exactly what I'm going to do big guy, make sure whoever she's meeting with knows she's off limits.”

Steve groaned and thumped his head on the table. “Tony, to do that you have to have told Pepper that you want to date her. Which would mean asking her on a date.”

“Like a normal person,” added Clint as he pulled away from Tony and started to make a break for the door.

However, Tony grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him back. “Stop whining Hawkeye, you don't have anything better to do anyway.”

Clint groaned and muttered something about being dead but Tony ignored him in favor of addressing Thor and Steve. “Alright! Avengers assemble and follow that CEO!”

0000000000000000000000

“If I never get laid again, I'm blaming you Stark,” growled Clint as Tony dragged them down the street.

Tony rolled his eyes. “If that happens Barton, I'll buy you an engagement ring.”

Steve choked a little. “How does that make any sense?”

“Simple,” explained Tony. “If Barton is talking about never getting laid again, clearly he's planning to marry this girl and any ring I buy for him to give her will top whatever he can manage.”

“Thanks Stark,” grumbled Clint. “Way to make a guy feel better. Tell you what, if you agree to take the beating that she's bound to hand me for standing her up I'll forgive you.”

“Just blame it on Tony,” sighed Steve as he watched Tony peer over a bush into the restaurant Pepper had just wondered into. “He is the one who got us into this mess after all. If Pepper catches us, that's what I plan to do.”

Thor looked appalled. “Brother Steve! You would simply throw our shield-brother to the wolves if we were captured?”

Clint and Steve looked at each other for a moment, shrugged and replied with a unanimous “Yes.”

When Thor continued to look at them with a horror stricken gaze, as if they had just said they were going to decapitate a box of puppies, Clint explained. “Thor, tell you what. Next time Pepper is pissed at Tony, you can take his place. After one face-off with a pissed off Pepper, you'll never agree to join Tony in any of his insanity again.”

“She could not be nearly as intimidating as the All-Father when angry,” insisted Thor. “I doubt there is much to fear.”

Steve shook his head and Clint muttered something along the lines of 'poor simpleminded fool' but another voice cut in before the argument could continue.

“Do I wish to know why it is you're all stalking about behind bushes like naughty children?”

Tony nearly jumped a foot in the air and landed on his ass as everyone spun to face Natasha, who was looking at them all with raised eyebrows. Her gaze fell on Clint quickly. “Shouldn't you be meeting your girlfriend's parents?”

Clint nodded with a heavy sigh. “Thank you. At least someone believes me.” The glare Clint sent Tony was just a notch below murderous.

The billionaire rolled his eyes and returned to his crouch. “Whatever you say Barton. Just keep telling yourself lies and maybe they'll come true.”

Natasha smirked, her eyes sliding to Clint. “I'm certain he has an appointment with his partner's parents, though I question if his partner is actually a girl...”

“That was low 'Tasha,” pouted Clint as he leaned against the building.

However, Tony grabbed him and Steve quickly and dragged them towards the entrance to the restaurant. “Alright, Pep disappeared into the back so we're going to go in there, get a table near her, and see who she's meeting with.”

“Tony, this is ridiculous,” groused Steve. “Clint's potentially in trouble with his girlfriend, Pepper is going to be beyond mad when she finds out you basically stalked her here, and this time could be better spent by us going over tactical plans like we were supposed to do.”

Tony rolled his eyes as he dragged both Clint and Steve into the restaurant by their elbows. Thor followed obediently and, to everyone's surprise, Natasha entered after them. At their raised eyebrows, she shrugged. “I have yet to eat and this could prove entertaining. Besides, someone has to protect Steve from Pepper's fury.”

Before Steve or Clint could comment, and both of them looked ready to, Tony cut them off by speaking to the hostess. “Hi, I need a table for five please, preferably in the back room.”

The hostess, a young blond woman who was probably just barely out of high school, popped her eyebrows at him but nodded none the less. “Of course sir, right this way. I think we have a table open.”

“Thanks,” grinned Tony as he tugged Steve and Clint after him like children.

Both men exchanged looks that said they were going to kill Tony when this was over. Natasha smirked at them both, apparently amused as she followed the determined billionaire and his two hostages with Thor in tow. The God just looked around curiously, as if he weren't sure what to make of the pub-style restaurant they found themselves in.

“Here we are,” stated the hostess as she laid five menus out on a long booth in the back. “Your server will be here shortly.”

“Thanks,” restated Tony as he forcefully pushed Steve, then Clint, into the booth. Natasha slid in on the other side before either man could escape. Thor slid in last, though it was a bit of a tight fit. Steve glared a little at the God when he accidentally pressed against Natasha, though the former assassin just scooted closer to Steve.

Tony, however, was too absorbed in his quest to notice the discomfort of his teammates. “Okay, now where's Pep...”

Clint rolled his eyes and gestured to a corner of the room. “She's over there, idiot. With Coulson.”

“Coulson!” choked Tony. “That slimy little-”

Steve banging his head on the table successfully cut Tony off mid-rant. “Tony, it's probably a business lunch. Like any normal person would have assumed from the beginning.”

“Huh,” muttered Tony. “Okay, maybe you're right. They could just be talking- wait, is that Fury?” Leaning forward a little, Tony let out a low whistle. “Shit, that's definitely Fury. What's he doing here and who's the chick with him?”

Everyone turned to where Fury had just entered the back room, a brunette girl in step with him. She was chatting animatedly about something or another, hands waving back and forth. Fury was nodding along with what she said, appearing to pay attention to what she was saying. The strangest part was that Fury was dressed down in more normal looking clothing, i.e. a button up shirt and slacks rather than his usual trench coat and heavy armor-looking clothing. He still had the eye patch of course, but the change in clothing made him look more human.

Whatever the girl was saying abruptly stopped, however, when she spotted Pepper and Coulson who both waved at her with soft smiles. They stood to hug her as she approached, returning their hugs and greetings with her own. Fury sat down at the table silently while the others greeted the girl before taking their own seats. She sat down near the end of the table, an empty chair beside her.

Behind everyone, Clint cursed and suddenly started trying to find a way to slide out of the booth. Tony turned to the archer with a raised eyebrow, but the man only glared at him. “Tony, let me out now.”

“Why?” countered the billionaire. “Worried about getting caught by the big boss-man?”

Clint's glare was joined by a scowl. “No, that brunette woman you were eying, which I am so going to beat you into the floor for later by the way, happens to be my girlfriend. The one I'm supposed to be meeting for lunch. So, let me up.”

Everyone was staring at Clint like he'd grown another head. Even Natasha looked surprised. When Clint continued to glare at Tony for not moving, Steve took the opportunity to speak up. “Uh, Clint, aren't you supposed to be meeting her parents?”

“Yeah, I am,” growled Clint. “And I'd like to make a good impression so if I ask her to marry me everyone doesn't automatically hate me. She doesn't have a whole lot of family to begin with and these are the people who matter to her.”

Natasha cleared her throat. “Clinton, please take another look at the people your girlfriend is sitting with. By your statement, she would classify Director Fury, Agent Coulson, and Miss Potts as her family.”

Clint suddenly stopped moving, eyes going wide as his head snapped back towards the table the brunette had sat down at and looking over the people present. “Shit. I'm screwed. I'm so screwed. I thought I was out of my league before, but now I really know I am...”

Thor, however, choose that moment to stand. Without a word, he picked Tony up out of the booth, then grabbed Clint and dragged him out as well. “Come shield-brother Clint! I know from experience that Lady Darcy is quite friendly, though frightening if angered. Her staff which shoots thunder is most formidable. However, I am certain she will forgive your tardiness, and that Director Fury, the Son of Coul, and Lady Pepper will be sufficiently welcoming to you.”

“Her tazer,” muttered Clint as Thor practically carried him towards the table. “It's called a tazer. Wait, Thor, hang on, I'm not ready-”

The demigod ignored his pleas, however, and instead dropped Clint into the chair beside Darcy with a grin. “I apologize for the late arrival of Lady Darcy's male companion. Shield-brother Tony has kept us quite busy this morning.”

Darcy raised an eyebrow at Thor, cracking up when she looked behind him and noticed the others who were attempting to hide behind their menus. “Aw, Clint, you're team showed up to support you.”

Clint moaned and shook his head. “No, they showed up because Tony dragged us out of the house to follow Pepper.”

“Seriously?” asked Darcy with a laugh as her eyes went back to Clint. “Wow, yeah, okay, I can see that from what Aunt Pep's told me.”

“A-aunt Pep?” shuddered Clint as his eyes flew around the table between his boss, his boss's boss, and perhaps one of the scariest CEO's he'd ever met.

Darcy nodded and motioned to each person at the table individually. “Yeah, this is my Aunt Pepper, my dad,” when he hand gestured to Coulson, who looked more than a little amuse, Clint nearly had a heart attack, “and my grandfather.” Fury nodded at him while giving his 'we will be having a discussion later and you will not like it' look.

Clint was dead. He was so beyond dead it wasn't even funny. Behind him, a crash sounded along with a string of curse words that were definitely not work-safe. Natasha was laughing, hard from the sounds of it, and he bet that Steve probably had the 'deer in the headlights' look he sometimes got when faced with something over-whelming. Though, Clint was pretty sure he was supposed to be the overwhelmed one.

The grin of doom that Coulson was giving him said bad things were coming. Did Clint mention he was dead yet? Because, really? He was sitting at a table beside his girlfriend who had just identified two of the most frightening men he'd ever met and a CEO who could have his balls without any effort on her part. Dead wasn't just dead, he was dead ten times over.

“I-its, er, uh,” stuttered Clint. Really, how does one greet their bosses when in this situation?

“Hello, Agent Barton,” greeted Coulson, enigmatic smile in place. “This is certainly an interesting situation. My daughter failed to mention that her boyfriend was a S.H.I.E.L.D agent.”

Beside him, Darcy shrugged. “Eh, it slipped my mind.”

Pepper raised an eyebrow at the young girl. “It slipped your mind that your boyfriend works for both your father and grandfather?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Darcy. “I've been a little busy after all. What with finishing school and everything.”

Fury nodded. “A forgivable slip, Darcy. Though,” his gaze fell on Clint who gulped uneasily, “I would have thought Agent Barton would have mentioned this to us.”

“Uh, I, uh, I wasn't aware that she was your g-granddaughter sir,” mumbled Clint uneasily. “Had I know, I would have told you immediately sir.”

“So you say,” commented Coulson mildly, tapping his fingers against the table lightly.

Darcy rolled her eyes, then stood and motioned for Clint to move over. He did, finding his chair net to Fury's as Darcy moved her own beside Pepper's, then grabbed the table beside theirs and pulled it over. “Alright, enough harassing my boyfriend. Just 'cause he works for you guys doesn't mean you get to make him squirm. Hey, Tony! Come join us. The rest of you too. If this is going to be awkward for Clint, it's gonna be awkward for everyone.”

“Thanks Darcy,” muttered Clint, clearly relieved that he wasn't going to be stuck at lunch alone with his bosses and Pepper.

Darcy grinned. “I believe in equal-opportunity awkwardness. It must be shared evenly among everyone.”

Pepper chuckled a little. “And you don't want Phil scaring Clint the way he did your last boyfriend.”

“I doubt Dad 'accidentally' dropping a knife out of his shirt sleeve would do much to Clint,” commented Darcy, complete with air quotes. “He works with Mom after all.”

That time, Clint really did choke even as Natasha patted Darcy on the shoulder with a smile and kiss to the head as she slid in beside Steve, who looked so pale it was almost funny. Really, this whole situation just felt like a bad dream. A really, really bad dream caused by copious amounts of hallucinogenics curtsey of Tony Stark.

“She's, but, huh?” sputtered Clint with all the grace of a floundering fish.

Darcy just smiled at him sweetly. “Clint, meet my mom, Natasha. Well, I shouldn't say meet given you work with her. More like, say hello.”

Clint stared at Natasha in horror, trying his best to reconcile what he was being told. Steve was backing away from her like she was going to bite him. Which, it was starting to look like she might. If any of them survived this meeting, it would be amazing. “Y-you're Darcy's, but, I mean, I, but...”

His horror appeared to entertain Natasha greatly. The grin she gave him was positively predatory. “Don't worry Clinton, I haven't been married to Phil for close to, what thirteen years?”

“Fourteen,” corrected Coulson with a smile.

Natasha nodded. “Fourteen years of living without the threat of a knife in your back. It must be nice.”

“Eh, with Darcy around it's still a threat,” joked Coulson with a laugh.

“I did teach her well,” confirmed Natasha with a grin. “It's too bad that she chose to enter the political game rather than follow in my footsteps.”

Darcy snorted. “Have you ever been on the congressional floor? Its a real 'cloak-and-dagger' show down there.”

Thor looked between Natasha and Darcy, head cocked slightly to the side. “What is this 'cloak-and-dagger show' you speak of? Is it a program on the TV device?”

“It's an expression Thor,” explained Pepper patently. “Darcy is referring to the deceit that occurs in politics.” Without preamble, her head turned towards Tony who was huddling in his chair. “Now, Tony, why don't you explain to us why you decided to follow me here.”

Tony shrugged, straightening suddenly. “I might have gotten a little, er, jealous...”

“Jealous?” repeated Pepper, eyebrows raised. “Tony, we're engaged. And I'm pregnant. You have nothing to be jealous about.”

Clint felt his head start to swim, attempting to keep up with the insanity that was flowing around him. Beside him, Darcy squeaked happily. “Seriously? That's awesome, 'cause so am I! We can have our kids together Aunt Pep!”

All the air left Clint's lungs, as if he had been punched in the gut. Which he might shortly be based on the looks Natasha, Fury, and Coulson were giving him. They had murder in their eyes.

“Darcy, could you repeat that again?” questioned Natasha, her voice not reflecting the look in her eyes.

Darcy blinked at her. “Hm? Oh, yeah, I'm pregnant. Oh shit, I completely forgot to tell you about that Clint! Oops.” Clint was too busy choking on air to respond. His head was starting to swim and the world tilted dangerously. “Clint?” Everything suddenly went sideways as he fell out of his chair and promptly passed out.

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Clint shot straight up in his bed, panting hard and scrambling for his phone at the same time. His fingers danced over the familiar number and he listened with tensed muscles as the line rang. The sixth ring had almost finished when the call was picked up.

“Clint?” asked Darcy, voice sleep heavy.

“Darce,” greeted Clint, breathing still heavy. “Remind me what your parents do again?”

Darcy sighed heavily and it sounded like she rolled over in bed. “Clint, my dad's an accountant and mom runs an art store.”

“And neither one works for S.H.I.E.L.D?” continued Clint, breath easing a little.

“Definitely not,” assured Darcy patiently.

Feeling his chest opening up again, Clint flopped back on the bed and ran his hand through his hair. “You're dad's not Coulson, right?”

“Hardly,” snorted Darcy.

“And you're mom's not Natasha?”

“Cool as that would be, no.”

“And you don't have any relatives in high places?”

Sighing, Darcy shifted again and Clint could hear her moving through her apartment. “Look, Clint, the only member of my family you have to worry about is Pepper and you've already met her.”

“Right,” muttered Clint. “Pepper. She's still scary.”

Clint still wasn't sure how Darcy managed to convey her eye-rolls verbally, but she was a master at it. “She's my older sister by close to twelve years and she doesn't care who I date. Actually, last time I spoke to her, she supported us dating. Apparently you've increased my maturity level. Or just make me look more mature. I suspect the second one. Anyway, that enough information to scare away the nightmares?”

“Yeah,” sighed Clint as he rubbed at his eyes. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

Darcy sighed and flopped back onto her bed, at least that's what it sounded like over the phone. “Clint, you're the one who proposed. I hate to say it, but meeting the parents is kind of part of the deal.”

He knew the smile currently crossing his face was soft. If Tony ever saw it, he'd never live it down. Oh god, Tony. “Wait, Darce, isn't Tony engaged to Pepper?”

“Yep,” confirmed Darcy, a hint of a smile in her voice. “Which is exactly why you don't have to worry. Mom and Dad will be meeting Tony at the same time they meet you, so pressure's off. Just relax.”

“Alright, I'll try,” muttered Clint, even as he worked to suppress a yawn. “Sorry to have woken you Darcy.”

Darcy huffed softly. “Good night Clint. Don't worry, tomorrow night I'll be there in person to chase the nightmares away.”

“Thankfully,” agreed Clint with a grin. “I'll see you when you get here tomorrow. I'm picking you up from the airport, right?”

“Mhm,” hummed Darcy. “I'll see you then Clint.”

“See you then,” murmured back Clint as he listened to her disconnect the call. Sighing, he set his phone back on the nightstand and flopped backwards onto his bed. Tomorrow would be insane, and so would the week to come. With Tony and Pepper's wedding just around the bend, Clint wondered if there would be any way he could convince Darcy to elope. Because even if she wasn't related to Coulson and Fury, the idea of not dealing with the brand of insanity that tended to pop up where the Avenger's were concerned sounded better and better every second.


	2. Meeting the Parents and Plotting For Everyone's Safety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And back by popular demand....no, seriously. I've gotten several requests to continue this. Namely its part of the whole 'meet the parents' thing that people want to see. Originally I was going to put the wedding in here too, but what's a good 'meet the parent's' story without some drama. Plus, I really wanted to twist some of the stuff from Clint's nightmare into reality, just for added seasoning. And I have personal rules about chapters approaching over 20 pages...
> 
> This chapter features: meeting the parents and a series of lovely surprises for all the Avengers. Next will be the wedding (once I figure out how to properly destroy it).
> 
> Advanced warning: the major ideas for this story came to me when I'd gone close to 36 hours without sleep (gotta love when you forget to go to sleep), so don't expect sanity in this.

“Clint, calm down,” urged Darcy with a sigh as she knocked Clint's hands away from the collar of his shirt. He'd been tugging at it the whole time they waited for her parents to arrive at the train station. And he was the one who insisted on wearing a collared shirt. “Seriously, I'm going to strip that thing off you and toss it in a dumpster so you won't put it back on if you don't stop.”

 

“I'm not sure that would make the best impression on Mom and Dad,” pointed out the level voice of one Pepper Potts as she approached Darcy and Clint from behind, Tony in tow.

 

Darcy shrugged. “They've seen me do worse. And I've brought home a hell of a lot worse than Clint. You're the one who always brought home the sensible guys.” She shakes her head looking between Clint and Tony. “What the hell happened to us?”

 

“We've been corrupted,” replied Pepper easily as she checked her watch. “Or Tony somehow exposed us at the same time to some form of radiation that swapped our tastes in men.”

 

“Sounds reasonable,” replied Darcy with a straight face.

 

Pepper smiled a little. “And something Tony would do.”

 

“So true,” agreed Darcy with a sage nod before glancing around. “No Bruce?”

 

“All of the Avenger's have been securely wrangled by Phil,” confirmed Pepper with a smile.

 

Darcy grinned at the thought. “There's a skill: advanced super-hero wrangling.”

 

“That sounds more like a class,” corrected Pepper with a smirk. “Phil could teach it.”  
  


“Phil _should_ teach it,” insisted Darcy with a grin.

  
Behind her, Clint groaned. “Can we _please_ not talk about Phil right now?”

 

“I agree,” chimed in Tony. The genius glances at Clint, who's paled a little at just the mention of his boss. “Though, probably not for the same reason's as Barton. Drink?”

 

Pepper groaned, spinning to glare at the two men. “Seriously Tony? Alcohol just before meeting my parents?”  
  


“Hardly,” corrected Tony with his charmer grin in place. “Hot chocolate mixed with really strong coffee. The good kind.”

 

“And a touch of whiskey,” adds Darcy with a smirk. “I saw you making it.”

 

Tony raised his eyebrows just over the rim of his sun-glasses. “Remind me to put a bell on you. I didn't even _see_ you in the kitchen this morning.”

 

“'Cause you were having a worse panic attack than Clint did last night when he called me at 2 am,” shot back Darcy with a smirk.

 

Pepper raised an eyebrow at her younger sister. “Panic attack?”

 

“Bad dream,” explained Darcy. “Apparently his subconscious decided that you were my aunt, Phil was dad, Natasha was somehow mom, Fury equaled grandpa, and both of us were pregnant.”

 

Beside Clint, Tony practically shoves his drink into the archer's hands. “Seriously man? You need this more than me if you're having nightmares like that.”

 

Clint, for his part, groaned and may or may not have been blushing. “Really Darce?”  
  
“What? Pepper's family,” insisted Darcy. “Besides, if Tony tells anyone he's not going to be able to sit down for two weeks minimum.”

 

Pepper nods knowingly beside her sister. “I've seen Darcy tase people in some unfortunate places. Notably men who won't leave her alone.”

 

“Not so much of that any more, thank god,” muttered Darcy as she turns towards the station sign to see what train is pulling in. “This should be Mom and Dad.”

 

Tony smoothed his clothes subtly and muttered: “Moment of reckoning.”

 

“At least they've already agreed to marry us,” muttered back Clint. “Hopefully that'll keep us safe.”

 

“From they're parents? Not likely,” corrected Tony with a shake of his head. “Then again, I'm not the one currently doing the baby of the family. And I'm not over a decade older than my girlfriend.”

 

“Thanks Tony, I really wanted to remember all of that _right this minute,_ ” hissed Clint from the corner of his mouth.

 

Tony shrugged and looked toward where Pepper and Darcy were searching for their parents. Not a moment later, Darcy started waving her hand in the air and bouncing on the balls of her feet. She looked to be shouting something, but it was lost in the din of the station.

 

A slightly older couple emerged from the crowd a moment later, moving towards the two women hurriedly. The woman was of average height and wore a flowing skirt with crossing, multiple layers and a scarf around her waist. A flowing green tunic rested on her upper body, setting off her long, wavy silver hair. Sandals snapped against her heels as she walked quickly, practically pulling an older man behind her. The man was taller than the woman, his dark hair receding back from his face. He was dressed in a suit, neatly pressed and proper looking. It was very easy to tell who took after who.

 

The woman didn't even slow down as she threw her arms around both Darcy and Pepper, who hugged her back immediately. Pepper stepped away first to hug the man, before moving aside so Darcy could hug him as well. Both parents smiled brightly as the women, taking a moment to chat as they walked towards Clint and Tony.

 

Clint gulped a little as he took in the man, noting his similarity to one Agent Phil Coulson. He really hoped that was coincidence and not telling. The woman looked nice at least, even if she was the embodiment of hippie-dom.

 

Tony shifted uneasily beside Clint. “So that's why Pep is always so comfortable with Agent. Guy reminds her of her dad.”

 

“I really hope there's no relation,” muttered back Clint uneasily.

 

“Hey, buck up Barton, I doubt there's a connection,” assured Tony, to Clint's surprise. Tony wasn't usually consoling to anyone, but Clint guessed he was trying to convince himself too.

 

Tony started rocking slightly on his feet and jittering his hands in his pockets. Clint straightened his back more and just stopped himself from falling into parade rest as Darcy and Pepper finally reached the men with their parents in tow.

 

“Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Tony,” introduced Pepper, gesturing to Tony as she did.

 

Tony managed to stop his fidgeting and give them a bright, beaming smile. The one he put on when he wanted to charm someone. “Mr. and Mrs. Potts, great to meet you both. Pepper's talked about you a lot.”

 

Clint just stopped his eyebrow from shooting up at Tony's politeness. A glance at Pepper, and the way she was nodding, told him the line was rehearsed. Well, at least Darcy hadn't felt the need to go that far with him. Though, with the way he was feeling right now, he kinda wished he'd memorized _something_ just to make sure he didn't stumble.

 

“It's Ms. Lewis,” corrected the older woman. “But call me Scarlet, Scar for short.”

 

Mr. Potts nodded. “And I'm Bruce. It's a...pleasure to meet you, Anthony.”

 

“Tony,” corrected Tony. “Just, Tony.”

 

Clint felt an arm slide into the crook of his elbow, a hand curling just above where the arm rested. A glance to the side revealed Darcy had taken his arm in support. She smiled up at him with her usual beaming grin before pulling him over to where her parents were.

 

“Mom, Dad, this is Clint,” introduced Darcy. Both of her hands remained wrapped around his arm, offering him silent support.

 

Scarlet looked him up and down several times, head slightly cocked to the side as she took in his appearance. Bruce appeared to be examining his face. The scrutiny made him want to shrink into a ball, a fact he would never admit under threat of torture.

 

Finally, Bruce nodded and held out his hand for Clint to shake. “You're Darcy's man. She's told us a lot of good things about you.”

 

“Good to know, sir,” replied Clint uneasily.

 

Behind Bruce, Scarlet nodded happily. “Very nice, Darcy. I definitely approve.”

 

“I said you would,” pointed out Darcy, her hand squeezing his arm a little.

 

“You were right,” confirmed Scarlet.

 

Behind them, Tony was making a face that Clint could only guess was going to be trouble. He opened his mouth to say something, but Pepper covered it quickly (and may have shoved something in it too; Clint thought he caught a hint of fabric in her hand).

 

“Well, shall we get going? I'm sure Mom and Dad would like to get settled into their room,” cut in Pepper smoothly.

 

Darcy caught Pepper's eye for a half-second and started nodding eagerly. “Yeah, we probably should scram before traffic gets worse.”

 

Clint nodded and extracted himself from Darcy to reach for the bags her father had carried over. “Can I take those, sir?”

 

Bruce's eyebrows rose sharply in surprise but he nodded none the less. “Yes, thank you.”

 

Without a second thought, Clint picked up both bags before falling into step beside Darcy. Carrying the bags meant he couldn't wrap an arm around her, but it was probably for the best anyway. He didn't want to do something that would make her parents hate him.

 

Tony had started up talking again, much to Pepper's chagrin, but at least he was talking about something mechanical it sounded like. Which was probably the safest topic that Tony could touch on. Clint couldn't see Pepper, but he guessed she was probably making some kind of face. Maybe they'd get lucky and some emergency would draw them both out. It was the first time Clint ever found himself actually hoping for a Doombot attack.

 

“You're doing great,” murmured Darcy softly. Apparently, she had picked up on his nerves. His eyes sought her out and she slid her hand over his where it gripped one of her parent's suitcases. “Just for the record, the only person Pepper and I actually care about approval from has already cleared you both.”

 

One of Clint's eyebrows rose in response. “And that would be....?”

 

Darcy glanced back at her parents and Pepper before glancing to where they were almost at the car. “I'll tell you later. It's...complicated.”

 

“Complicated,” repeated Clint, worry cutting in where his curiosity had been. “That's not usually good, Darce.”

 

Darcy shrugged and pulled him around to the trunk of their car to give them a few more seconds. “Pepper and I were gonna explain tonight anyway. Just wait a little longer, 'cause trust me, we don't want to talk about this in front of our folks.”

 

Clint nodded and leaned down to kiss her cheek after confirming no one important could see them. “Long as you aren't in trouble.”  
  


“No trouble,” promised Darcy before she chucked the bags in the back and shut the trunk, pulling him around to talk with her parents again. “Hey Mom, Dad,” both parents looked over at her from where they were standing a little bit away, “Pepper and Tony have stuff to do, so Clint and I are gonna take you to the hotel. That okay?”

 

Clint could practically see Pepper sigh with relief, even though he knew if she did then no one would ever see any signs. Of course, Darcy was also lying through her teeth but he wasn't going to say a word. Though spending a car ride with her parents wasn't ideal, if he didn't want Stark to potentially mess everything up for him, then sacrifices needed to be made.

 

“That's fine Darcy,” assured Bruce before he turned back to Tony and Pepper. He hugged Pepper and said something to her that neither Clint nor Darcy could hear. Scarlet did the same, then both parents stared towards Darcy and Clint, waving goodbye to Tony and Pepper as they went.

 

Clint slid into the drivers seat of the car while Darcy shuffled her parents over and offered her father the front passenger seat, which he declined in favor of sitting in the back with her mother. Darcy shrugged and climbed into the front seat beside Clint, to his relief. He didn't really want to face her father alone in the front seat.

 

“So, what do you do for a living Clint?” asked Bruce mildly as Clint started driving towards the hotel.

 

Darcy turned in her seat, answering for him before he could. “Clint works with my boss, Coulson. He helps gather information we use to put the bad guys away.”

 

 _That's putting it mildly._ Not for the first time, Clint's glad he regularly has to guard his facial features. Otherwise he'd be snickering like crazy at the moment and giving them both away. _Obviously, Darcy never told them what she does either. Good girl._

 

In the rear view mirror, he catches sight of the rapid inclination of her mother's head. “That would explain how you met, but is that alright where you work? Are there fraternization policies?”

 

“We're not breaking any rules Mom, don't worry,” assured Darcy gently. Clint almost shutters at how well behaved she's being. This is the woman who talked back to Fury once when he was being particularly cankerous (before she worked for him of course); seeing her actually watch what she's saying just feels wrong.

 

“As long as neither of you will get in trouble,” sighed Scarlet softly. One of her hands brushed over Darcy's hair from the back seat. “You know, it's great to see both my girls happy.”

 

Darcy smiled back at her Mom, squeezing one of her hands. “Don't worry Mom, we're all happy in one way or another.”

 

There was subtext there. Definite subtext from the way Bruce stiffened and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. His eyes darted to his daughter, a touch of disapproval there, and even Scarlet seemed tense.

 

“So, Clint, not to be rude, but how much older than my daughter are you, anyway?” cut in Bruce, changing the topic so rapidly that, if Clint hadn't lived with Darcy, he would have gotten whiplash.

 

Clint managed to keep from shifting in his seat, even if just barely. His eyes darted over to Darcy' who was giving him the 'go ahead and tell them, they won't care' look that she'd given him when they'd been discovered by the rest of the Avengers. “I'm 11 years older, sir.”

 

“Oh, please tell me you aren't one of those men who has to 'sir' and 'ma'am' everyone,” begged Scarlet, a hand dropping over part of her face.

 

Clint felt himself wince, but Darcy came to the rescue before he managed to put his foot in his mouth again. “He was in the military, Mom. The whole 'sir' and 'ma'am' thing is kinda built in by now.”

 

“At least he's got an excuse,” muttered Scarlet, voice rising enough to be heard clearly when she spoke to Clint again. “I never expect you to use that with me. I'd rather be called 'Mom' than 'ma'am'.”

 

Darcy groaned and turned around in her seat to face forward again. “And moving on before we get a lecture about brainwashing in the military complex of this country which, by the way, is completely inappropriate in this situation. Seriously Mom, don't get into it with Clint. Ever.”

 

Scarlet made a face but didn't say anything further. Clint was starting to see why Pepper and Darcy didn't talk about their parents much. Especially with the loads of underlying issues floating beneath the surface.

 

The rest of the ride was quiet. Apparently, Clint had managed to miss a fight somewhere in the conversation. At least, that was his best guess. Darcy was _never_ quiet and Scarlet didn't seem like the type to hold her tongue either.

 

When they reached the hotel, the lack of parking forced Clint to drop Darcy and her parents at the curb and drive around until Darcy got back down. She was down in seven minutes and looking more than a little pissed. Clint winced a bit as she slammed the car door.

 

“Sorry about that,” growled Darcy, scowl slightly in place.

 

Clint nodded slightly and pulled into traffic. “So, wanna explain what that was about?”

 

“You'll get the explanation tonight,” assured Darcy. “It has to do with that thing Pepper and I want to talk to you about.”

 

“Right, the mysterious thing you guys won't talk about,” teased Clint as he switched lanes and turned back towards the tower. “You know, I'm starting to think you and Pepper are going to tell us you're parents are actually super-villains bent on world destruction.”

 

Darcy snorted, chuckling slightly. “Please, Mom wouldn't hurt a fly and Dad is more interested in keeping the books on Capitol Hill straight than keeping an eye on a bunch of henchmen. No, the kids are the super-villain types in our family. Thankfully, we all decided to work on the side of good. For now.”

 

Clint chuckled a little. “If you guys changed, I think the world would be in trouble.”

 

“What?” asked Darcy with a bit of a pout. “We'd just make every Tuesday night world-wide party night.”

 

“And tase anyone who annoyed you,” added Clint with a grin, reaching out to grab her hand.

 

Darcy scoffed. “As if I don't do that already.”

 

Clint smiled, his hand squeezing hers. “So, just out of curiosity, any other kids in your family I need to worry about?”

 

“What makes you think there's more than me and Pepper?” asked Darcy, voice nervous.

 

“'We're all happy',” quoted Clint. “'The kids in our family'. Those sentences kinda imply more than you and Pepper.”

 

Darcy shifted a little, looking uneasy. “Pep and I have a brother. You'll get to meet him tonight.”

 

Clint nodded, sliding the car into the garage beneath the tower and parking in their spot. “So, should I take it that your brother is the source of the tension in your family?”

 

“Something like that,” sighed Darcy as she got out of the car. Clint followed her out, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as she leaned against his side. “It's really complicated. And stupid.”

 

Clint hummed a little, and lead her into the lift. “Well, I can take your mind off this family trouble. I'm very good at distracting you after all.” His free hand pressed the button for their floor before he used the arm around her shoulders to spin and pin her to the elevator wall.

 

“Very true,” murmured Darcy, shivering a little as he pressed against her. “I approve of this plan.”

 

“Good,” growled Clint softly, lips hovering over hers. “'Cause I didn't have a plan B.”

 

\-------------------------

 

“Seriously Pep? You can't even give me a hint?” begged Tony as he followed Pepper into the living room.

  
Darcy snorted from where she was slumped on the couch beside Clint. “Wow. Are you sure you want to marry this one, Pep? He's kinda nosy.”

 

Tony snorted and ruffled her hair as he walked by. “Coming from the girl dating a super-spy? Isn't there a line about pot and a kettle that sums this situation up?”

 

“Please, Pepper made me throw out all my pot when I moved in,” scoffed Darcy. Clint shot her a look but she ignored it in favor of focusing on her sister. “So, anyone else coming or just us?”  
  


Pepper shrugged and glanced down at a tablet in her hands. “The others are supposed to arrive any minute. I would rather discuss this once, rather than multiple times.”  
  


“Or explain later if something happens,” added Darcy.

 

“Agreed.” Pepper set the tablet on the coffee table and moved to pour everyone a drink. “Oh, and I wasn't the one who made you get rid of your pot. I could have cared less if you smoked.”

 

“What!” exclaimed Darcy unhappily, jumping to her feet. “Who was it then? The stuff was just gone when I opened the box it was supposed to be in!”

 

“Who do you think?” challenged Pepper with a hint of a smile.

 

Darcy just groaned and dropped onto the couch. “Of course. How the hell did I miss that one.”

 

Pepper shrugged and poured two drinks, passing one to Darcy who passed it to Clint and the other to Tony. Her and Pepper weren't going to be the ones who needed alcohol tonight. “I'm not sure, especially given you know I smoke from time to time.”

 

“Don't suppose you can let me know next time you do, huh?” asked Darcy hopefully.

 

“Not with your job,” replied Pepper with a shake of her head. “Phil would kill me if I lost him the best assistant he's ever had.”  
  


Darcy sighed forlornly but nodded none the less. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Routine drug tests and all that. So not fair though.”

 

“You took the job,” pointed out Pepper. “You had other offers. There were several senators who wanted you along with a few divisions in the Capital building.”

 

“Yeah, but S.H.I.E.L.D was a better offer and more interesting,” reminded Darcy. “Besides, those jobs weren't much better than being a paid gofer. With Phil, at least I'm also able to make decisions and help with some of the tactical stuff that goes down during missions. He's got me handling most of the public relations stuff dealing with the Avengers press releases and all that, which is far better than making phone calls and looking like a piece of office candy.”

 

Pepper smiled a little, nodding in agreement. “This is true. Phil isn't going to ogle you when you walk out of his office. Really, no one who isn't Clint will.”

 

“Damn right,” growled Clint, his arms wrapping around Darcy. “No one gets to stare at my girl but me.”  
  


Pepper laughed a little at that while Tony just raised an eyebrow at their antics. He'd been quiet for a change, which was never a good thing. And his drink was hardly touched.

 

“So, Pep, gotta ask: is this going to be another of those situations like after I proposed?” asked Tony, eyes frighteningly serious. He swirled the drink in his hand, gaze sliding between Pepper and Darcy with a stare that could pin anyone. Whoever said Tony couldn't be serious needed to spend more time with him. It was rare, like a solar eclipse, but not completely impossible.

 

Darcy and Pepper exchanged a worried glance and looked back at Tony. Tony met Clint's eyes above Darcy's head, sharing a grim face with the other man. Whenever the girls exchanged looks like that, it was never good.

 

“In what sense?” asked Pepper wearily.

 

Tony rolled his eyes and took another sip of his drink. “In the 'oh, by the way Tony, I forgot to tell you I have a sister' sense.”

 

Pepper rolled her own eyes in return and shook her head. “I had told you I have a sister before Tony. You just didn't remember.”

 

Clint glanced at Darcy with a raised eyebrow. “So why didn't you two, I don't know, act like sisters before then?”

 

Darcy and Pepper exchanged a look again and Darcy gave him a shrug. “Just didn't seem like a good idea.”

 

“Our family is....complicated,” explained Pepper. “Outwardly acting like close sisters so early on in Darcy's life at S.H.I.E.L.D seemed like a bad idea.”

 

“It would have lead to expectations,” explained Darcy. “ 'Your sister can do it so you can do it, right?' Plus I didn't want to be labeled as the S.H.I.E.L.D liaison with Stark Industries just because my sister runs the company.”

 

Clint nodded heavily. “Which is something S.H.I.E.L.D would totally do.”

 

“But you told us after I proposed,” pointed out Tony.

 

Darcy nodded. “Yeah, and I'm also secure in my job at this point. Plus, it was you and Clint, not everyone else. That's tonight.”

 

“So you're dropping that surprise on everyone else tonight?” asked Clint, a touch of a smile curling at the corner of his lips. “We get front-row seats to the chaos, right?”

 

Pepper smiled slightly. “If you two are both functioning when we tell them, then yes.”

 

“There's something else we gotta talk to all of you about too,” reminded Darcy.

 

Clint shook his head, recalling the lovely little conversation when he and Tony had found out about Darcy and Pepper's sisterly connection.

 

\----------------

 

_Random Fancy Restaurant Stark wouldn't tell anyone the name of, 6 months ago..._

 

“ _God I love double-dating with you guys,” exclaimed Darcy happily as she looked around the restaurant. “You two always go to nicer places than we do.”_

 

_Tony grinned. “Hey, when you can get in pretty much anywhere, it helps.”_

 

_Clint rolled his eyes but nodded none the less. Truthfully, he and Darcy didn't usually want to go out to nice places alone. Beyond the fact that they inevitably got into trouble, it wasn't as much fun as going to a lower scale restaurant where they could cuddle in a booth or talk loudly and no one would care. Of course, they went to nicer places sometimes, but never as nice as where Stark dragged them._

 

“ _So, what's the big announcement?” asked Darcy curiously as she took a bite of her salad. When Pepper gave her an eyebrow, Darcy shrugged and elaborated. “You guys invited us out to a nice restaurant without occasion. Usually, that means news. So spill.”_

 

_Pepper gave them her mysterious smile and picked up her wine glass. With her left hand. Both of Darcy's eyebrows shot up at the sight of the ring on her finger. The simple, diamond ring._

 

“ _Seriously!” exclaimed Darcy, eyes going wide. Pepper just grinned. “Oh my god! That's so cool!”_

 

_Clint had noted the ring when they came in but kept silent, waiting for Pepper to show it off. He didn't feel bad about offering her congratulations now rather than then. She knew he knew before anyway._

 

_Tony was grinning like a fool, arrogance missing for a moment as he leaned over to kiss Pepper's cheek. Pepper took a sip of her wine and set it aside so Darcy could see the ring better. She took the older woman's hand in her own, tilting Pepper's ring finger this way and that in order to get a better look._

 

“ _That's beautiful Tony,” stated Darcy at last as she released Pepper's hand._

 

_The smug look was back at Darcy's words. “Well, I am a genius after all. Picking out a ring wasn't hard.”_

 

“ _I'm sure JARVIS was very helpful,” agreed Pepper with a touch of a laugh at Tony's wounded look._

 

“ _You don't think I'm capable of picking out a good ring for my beautiful girlfriend without help?” pouted Tony. “I'm hurt.”_

 

_Darcy snorted slightly and shook her head. “Right. You're about as hurt as a baby seal laying on the ice.” Her eyes refocused on Pepper before Tony could say anything more, offering the older woman a grin. “So, when's the wedding?”_

 

“ _We don't know yet,” admitted Pepper. “Tony just proposed last night. Most likely in a few months though. I just wanted to tell you first before we broke the news to the others.”_

 

“ _If you hadn't, I'd be pissed,” replied Darcy with a cocked eyebrow. “Is it at least safe to assume who your maid-of-honor is going to be?”_

 

_Pepper laughed at that, nodding as she did. “Of course. I couldn't have a wedding without my younger sister at least helping with the chaos, much less being thrown directly in the middle. You are so good at handling insane personalities and planning things.”_

 

“ _Not as good as you,” reminded Darcy with a smirk. “But between you and Phil, I'm learning.”_

 

“ _You are,” agreed Pepper as the waiter arrived with their food. Which was the point at which Darcy and Pepper both realized neither men were saying anything. Or moving. Or really breathing._

 

“ _Tony?” Pepper asked, laying a worried hand on her husband-to-be's shoulder. “Tony, are you alright?”_

 

“ _Clint, you in there?” asked Darcy, waving her hand in front of Clint's shocked face and shaking his shoulder a little. The waiter didn't say a word as he put the food in front of the group and left. Apparently, he wasn't about to get involved in this chaos._

 

_Clint sputtered to first, blinking rapidly at Darcy as if she'd suddenly sprouted another head. “Darce, did Pepper just say you were her sister?”  
_

“ _Am,” corrected Darcy, “and yeah, she did. Why?”_

 

_Tony was looking at Pepper with wounded puppy eyes by now, practically pouting at her. “Seriously Pep? You never told me you have a sister!”_

 

_Darcy and Pepper exchanged glances across the table before Pepper spoke up in an attempt to explain. “We thought it would be easier on Darcy if no one knew, at least until she was settled.”_

 

“ _And I'm settled now,” pointed out Darcy. “So I'm good.”_

 

“ _So, you're Pepper's sister, but no one knows it?” asked Clint, coming out of his shock completely._

 

_Darcy made a 'eh' noise, complete with tilting hand motion._

 

“ _Phil knows,” explained Pepper calmly. “I felt it was prudent to let him know we were sisters.”_

 

_The look on Tony's face expressed his level of insult. “So, what, Agent gets to know but I don't?”_

 

_Darcy snorted slightly and rolled her eyes. “Phil wasn't gonna tell anyone or assume anything just 'cause I'm Pep's sister. Besides, we're not really anything alike. The whole 'eleven years between us' thing kinda ensured we weren't going to be raised together.”_

 

“ _That explains a lot,” admitted Clint as he took one of Darcy's hands in his and kissed her cheek. He could tell she was getting upset. For that matter, so was Pepper. Subject change time. “So, Darce gets to be your maid-of-honor, Pepper?”_

 

_\---------------------------_

 

“Shield-Brother Barton, are you well?” Thor's booming voice pulled Clint rather sharply from his thoughts, dragging his mind back to the room at large. Natasha had slipped in while he was zoned out, but that wasn't a surprise. Everyone else was just arriving, everyone else being Bruce, Jane, Thor, and Steve.

 

“Yeah, fine,” assured Clint uneasily. Beside him, Darcy shifted a little and moved closer. Pepper did the same thing, moving closer to Tony as well as Darcy. They were moving closer together, a means of protecting one another.

 

“So, what's this meeting about?” asked Steve, apparently trying to move everything along without too much chaos. Yeah. Right. Like that was going to happen.

 

Pepper sighed and moved to the bar again, mixing various drinks preferred by the others in the room. Darcy stood to help her as well.

 

“There are two reasons I asked everyone here tonight,” explained Pepper as she and Darcy gathered the drinks and set them on the coffee table. Each person grabbed their own, recognizing their favorites. Clint expected both women to return to their seats, but instead they remained standing. Darcy leaned against a window sill and Pepper stood rim-rod straight in the middle of the room. “First and foremost, I want to make it public knowledge right now that Darcy and I are sisters. This isn't exactly the reason you've been called here, but that information is likely to come out in the next few days and we decided that it was about time everyone else be informed.”

 

“Not that it really matters,” added Darcy. “We just didn't want anyone spazzing out at Pep's wedding.”

 

Steve practically spit the soda he'd been given across the room, having made the mistake of taking a sip while Pepper was talking. It hit Tony in the face, who blinked unhappily and wiped his face off with a napkin.

 

“Smooth one Cap,” snarked Tony with a roll of his eyes. Clint just shook his head and glanced at Natasha, who was giving him the 'did you know this?' look. He returned her glance with his own 'not until recently' one. That seemed to satisfy the spy, because she leaned back casually and focused on Pepper again.

 

The CEO had stopped talking by now, allowing everyone the chance to absorb what she'd said. Which was probably for the best. Poor Thor looked confused, glancing between Darcy and Pepper as if he couldn't believe they shared any genetic material. Jane was apparently speechless, because her mouth was opening and closing a little as if she wanted to say something but somehow couldn't make the words come out. Bruce just...blinked as he looked between the two women, probably attempting to see the relationship.

 

Bruce was the first to speak, apparently the least shocked or most controlled of the group. It really could go either way with the amount of time he spent with Tony. “Biologically related or adoption?”  
  


“Biological,” replied Pepper.

 

“Same parents, too,” added Darcy, apparently anticipating the next question.

 

Thor nodded slowly, still looking a little confused. “Yet you do not bear any real resemblance to one another.”

 

Darcy nodded sagely. “Pepper's the odd one of the family.”

 

Pepper shot her sister a raised eyebrow. “Am not. I look like father.”

 

“And I look like mom,” pointed out Darcy. “But genetically speaking, dad's genes shouldn't have been expressed based on genetic probability.”

 

Clint cocked an eyebrow at Darcy from over the back of the couch. “You know something about genetic probability?”

  
“The basics,” shrugged Darcy. “I had to take Intro To Bio just like everyone else.”

 

Pepper shook her head and attempted to draw everyone back on topic. “Anyway, yes, Darcy and I are biological sisters from the same parents. That isn't why we asked you all here tonight though.”

 

“So what _was_ the reason?” asked Natasha calmly.

 

“And is it safe for Steve to drink any more of his soda?” added Tony. “I'd rather not get spit on again.”

 

Darcy exchanged another glance with Pepper. “I don't think the drinks were a great idea.”

 

“Better that offering them this information sober,” pointed out Pepper with a sigh. “Though I would recommend _not_ drinking anything for the next few minutes.”

 

“And not interrupting,” added Darcy. “Give us a chance to explain before you start complaining.”

 

Clint furrowed his brows at Darcy and reached out for her hand from over the back of the couch. She took his hand in her own and squeezed it, but didn't move to sit with him again.

 

Pepper cleared her throat, slowly attempting to explain the situation. “We've called you here because we are...concerned there could be a disturbance at the wedding.”

 

She glanced at Darcy who picked up where Pepper left off easily. “There's been a long standing rift in our family between kids and parents 'cause of something stupid our parents did a long time ago.”

 

“22 years ago,” confirmed Pepper, picking back up the conversation again. “Darcy and I do have one other older sibling: our brother. He joined the army when he was 18, to the horror of our parents.”

 

Darcy picked up the story again. “They disowned him at that point and told him they never wanted to speak with him again. Pepper was 14 at the time and saw the whole thing.”

 

Clint squeezed Darcy's hand sadly, making the connection between the conversation in the car and the tension between Darcy and her parents. “How old were you?”

 

“3,” replied Darcy. “I'm the youngest of us all by a lot. We're pretty sure I was an accident.”

 

Pepper nodded sadly, moving to lean against the back of the couch behind Tony. One of his hands came back to cover her own. “The rift between our parents and our brother has never healed. He never contacted our parents again after they disowned him, but he has maintained contact with Darcy and I as a rule.” Pepper paused for a second, forcing the anger she still felt against her parents away. “I invited him to the wedding. It was only right my brother be present. Further more, I have asked him to walk me down the isle rather than our father.”

 

Both of Tony's eyebrows shot up at that. “Why?”

 

“Because I respect my brother far more than my parents,” explained Pepper. “His opinion is the only one that matters to me.”

 

Clint glanced at Darcy again. “So your brother is the one you mentioned having already approved of me and Tony earlier?”

 

“Yep,” confirmed Darcy. “He's seen you both at your best and worst and is _still_ willing to let his sisters marry you two. It says a lot about his opinion of you both.”

 

“Marry you...alright Clint, you're going to have to explain that one later,” insisted Steve, who looked like he might be getting a headache. “But for now, can we work on figuring out how to _avoid_ a fight during Pepper and Tony's wedding?”

 

Darcy waved her free hand in the air. “Pep and I have a plan, we're just not sure it'll work.”

 

“The plan is for Darcy to run interference as often as possible,” explained Pepper. “Mother and Father won't do anything during the ceremony and our brother has agreed to avoid our parents as much as possible during the reception, but things can still go wrong.”

 

“And having a family feud in the middle of the reception, well funny in theory, would probably be a lot more angry than funny,” added Darcy. “So, we were kinda hoping you guys would help with the interference.”

 

Bruce nodded slowly. “That doesn't sound too difficult. Though we will have to meet this brother of yours before the wedding if we plan to interfere in any arguments.”

 

Before Pepper could answer, the elevator dinged behind them.

 

“And that would be him,” sighed Darcy, before she called out: “Your sense of timing is really freakin' scary sometimes bro!”

 

Pepper chuckled and moved towards the doorway just as Phil Coulson stepped into the room. He cocked an eyebrow at Darcy, a small smile forming on his face. “I wouldn't be a particularly good agent if I didn't have an eery sense of timing, sister.”

 

Darcy grinned and released Clint's slack hand to practically tackle Phil with a hug. Pepper hugged him as well, allowing Phil to wrap both of his arms around his sisters. For a moment, the three just stood there, exchanging a form of affection they hadn't gotten to share in a very long time.

 

The rest of the room just looked on. Tony was doing a wonderful imitation of a fish along with Steve and Clint while Bruce and Natasha just looked on with raised eyebrows. Thor looked even more confused than before and Jane looked ready to pass out. Not that anyone could blame her.

 

Finally, Darcy pulled back and grinned up at Phil. “I know, I know. You're always telling me I need to get better at timing my entrances.”

 

“The spook factor is a large part of being an agent,” agreed Pepper as she released Phil as well. “How are you Phil? It's been a while.”

 

Phil nodded and shooed both of his sisters back into the room. “It has been. I would have lunch with you more often, but you're rarely in town.”

 

“I know,” sighed Pepper. “I promise though, that's going to change soon.”

 

“Good,” stated Darcy firmly. “I'd rather have lunch with you and Phil than just Phil. No offense bro, but you're kinda quiet.”

 

Phil shook his head slowly and motioned for Pepper and Darcy to retake their original seats on the couch. “That would be because you rarely _stop_ talking.”

 

Darcy grinned up at him. “And you don't know what to talk about.”

 

“That too,” admitted Phil as he poured his own glass of something before pulling a chair over so he could sit with the others. “Now, where were you two in your explanation?”

 

Clint felt his jaw moving up and down a little, speechless and shocked beyond belief. Yeah, he hadn't seen this coming. Not at all. God, it was his nightmare all over again. Without thinking about it, his eyes darted to Natasha wearily.

 

Darcy apparently caught his look though, because he felt her smack his chest. “Don't worry, she's not related to us. It's only us three. And no, we're not related to Fury either.”

 

One of Phil's eyebrows shot up at her words. “Am I missing something?”

 

“Clint had a bad dream where you,” she pointed at Phil, “were my father, Pepper was my aunt, Natasha was my mom, and Fury was somehow my grandfather.”

 

Phil's smile became a bit of a smirk. “I see. That's a rather nasty combination of personalities, Agent

Barton.”

 

“Darce,” groaned Clint as he pressed his face against her neck.

 

“What?” asked Darcy. “He's family. Hell, he's going to be _your_ family soon enough.”

 

Clint groaned again, a sound which was matched by Tony's sputtering as his fish impression was finally replaced with a look of absolute disbelief.

 

“Wait, you mean I'm actually going to be _related_ to Agent over here?” sputtered Tony.

 

“Yes,” confirmed Pepper as she handed Tony another drink. “Could we discuss that later though and focus on keeping our wedding from becoming a disaster zone?”

 

Phil shook his head as he turned his attention back to Pepper. “I'm not sure that's possible. You've asked our parents and I to exist in the same room without killing each other.”

 

“Maybe they won't recognize him,” suggested Steve hopefully, apparently having gotten over his shock. “It has been 22 years, right?”

 

Darcy shook her head sadly. “I don't think 22 years is long enough for Phil to stop looking like Phil.”

 

“Besides, if he walks Pepper down the isle, the connection is going to be more than a little obvious,” pointed out Natasha as she stood and retrieved another drink. “I doubt their parents will fail to recognize their eldest son.”

 

“So we keep their parents and Coulson separated,” stated Bruce with a shrug. “Same plan as before.”

 

“Hopefully, we can do just that,” agreed Natasha, just before she downed her drink in a few gulps. Her eyes met Phil's as she set her glass down, one eyebrow cocked in a message that Clint, well, he was really hoping that didn't mean what he thought it did. “May I suggest a plan?”

 

Pepper shrugged, leaning back against the back of the couch. “Suggest away. You've heard as far into the plan as Darcy, Phil, and I have gotten. We assume that, with our family, there is no way to predict anything.”

 

“I'd second that,” agreed Clint, his shock finally wearing off enough that he felt capable of commenting. “Their mom is particularly, well, random. Kind of like dealing with a more artsy version of Darce.”

 

“Hey!” exclaimed Darcy, pouting slightly. “I both resent and resemble that comment!”

 

Clint winced, realizing that his comment could _actually_ be an insult with the way this particular family's dynamics worked. He quickly leaned over to kiss her cheek in apology. “Sorry Darce, I didn't think about that one before I said it.”

 

Her eye-roll told him he wasn't actually in trouble. “I kinda assumed that. And don't worry about it. Mom and I might be similar, but I'm not _nearly_ enough of a bitch to disown my own kid for his decisions.”

 

“Good to know,” muttered Phil, clearly trying to lighten the mood a little, “because between Agent Barton, the Avengers, Pepper, and I, any children you have could grow up to be more or less anything.”

 

“Including evil,” added Pepper. “I know I'm a touch concerned about that with Tony.”  
  


Darcy just shrugged. “Eh, as long as they still show up for Christmas and Thanksgiving, I'm good. 'Sides, if we do have a kid that's evil, they might turn out like that Dr. Horrible dude. Which would be epic, I might add.”

 

“Or like Captain Hammer,” pointed out Pepper with a smirk.

 

Darcy's groan made both her older siblings chuckle. Clint would have, but he'd probably get smacked for it so he chose to pat Darcy's back reassuringly and change the subject. “So, Tasha, what's your plan?”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me way longer to write than it should have given it's length. For that I apologize. I also apologize if this is a bit over the top- I have little to no experience with weddings so I was running with the idea receptions contained 'drunken individuals doing stupid things'. Hopefully this isn't too much. Alternatively, please note that Pepper is probably on her way to being very tipsy if not drunk in the second part of this. I was writing it with the idea that she'd drank enough that she stopped caring about some things. I also blame Phil, who I feel is an influence on everyone regardless of if he was doing good or bad things. That all being said, enjoy guys.
> 
> -Illusinia

Clint sighed as he stared into the mirror. Today was the big day; the day of Pepper and Tony's wedding. God, he shouldn't be this nervous. He really shouldn't. But knowing that the  _ Avengers _ of all people were the only ones standing between Darcy and Pepper's parents and their brother (a confrontation which amounted to a contained version of WWIII at best from the sounds of it), made him nervous. Yes, he had faith in his teammates and their ability to keep things under control. But he also knew first hand how hard it could be to handle any of the three Potts siblings (could they really be called the Potts siblings when one of them went by a different name entirely and the other two used different parents surnames?) and all three of them basically qualified as professional wranglers. Two of whom were exceptionally scary in Clint's opinion (Darcy was scary in her own right, but for completely different reasons that had nothing to do with her job). He knew how badly this could end if things got out of control.

 

A pair of arms slid around Clint's waist, pressing him close to a soft, female body. “Wedding day jitters?” Darcy's voice was soothing, reassuring. He knew no matter what happened today, she'd still be there tomorrow. Assuming they all survived today, that is.

 

“Yeah,” joked Clint weakly, “and it isn't even my wedding. Tony must be ready to jump out a window.”

 

Darcy chuckled against his back. “I'm pretty sure Pep said something about a sedative last night.”

 

“Might be the only way he makes it through this,” muttered Clint with a sigh, spinning to wrap his arms around Darcy's waist. “I know he loves Pepper, but...”

 

“The weight of what could happen today might be enough to scare him off?” suggested Darcy, her own smirk in place. “Not likely. Tony thrives on narcissism and chaos. I have notebooks of theory about why if you want proof.”

 

“I'll take your word for it,” assured Clint with a touch of a smirk. “Reading that much about Stark's personality disorders will either depress me, drive me insane, or just really make me want to kill him.”

 

“Possibly all three,” agreed Darcy. “So, no psychological theory meets chaos theory meets 'I'm not sure what I'm seeing' theory. Got it.”

 

“Please.” Dropping his forehead against her own, Clint brought one hand up to cup the back of her neck and closed his eyes. “Is it bad that I'm a little worried we're all going to die?”

 

“Nah,” assured Darcy, her own hand sliding up to cup his cheek. “I keep expecting someone to get murdered every thanksgiving. Or to just get a call from Pep one day asking how to hide a body. Or to be the one _making_ that call.”

 

Clint groaned, pulling her closer. “That doesn't make me feel better Darce.”

 

“It's not supposed to,” stated Darcy simply.

 

Looking at her face, he realized she hadn't been joking about the murder comment. “You were being serious.”

 

Sighing, Darcy pulled back enough to look up at him. “Honestly? Yeah, I was. Our parents are bastards. None of us really wants to deal with them and Pep and I only do because they guilt us into it. We don't care what they think. Their opinions are clearly twisted if they can just tell their son to GTFO because he joins the military.” Shrugging a little, her eyes dropped to his tie, hands automatically reaching out to adjust it before she stepped back. Taking a deep breath, her eyes rose to meet his again. “Ready to attempt to prevent murder?”

 

“Yeah,” assured Clint, a touch of a smile on his face. Wrapping an arm around her waist, he snags his jacket while guiding her out of the room. “Don't suppose you're any more open to eloping, huh?”  
  


\-----------------------------------

 

Tony looked like he might fall over. If it weren't for the fact that he was watching his girlfriend's parents like his namesake, Clint might have been concerned. As things stood though, he was more concerned with ensuring an ambulance wouldn't be needed during at least  _ one _ event the Avengers attended. Not that he was holding his breath; it seemed like they were chaos magnets.

 

There were four groomsmen standing beside Tony, each dressed in a traditional tuxedo except for Rhodey, who was in white like Tony. The best man was Rhodey, who stood next to Tony. Bruce was next, followed by Clint. Steve was last and, like Clint, he was scanning the room rapidly for signs of trouble. Thor was seated beside Darcy and Pepper's parents, at the end of the bench to act as a physical barrier between the parents and Phil. Just in case. They'd decided it would work better if the other Avengers were acting as groomsmen, rather than just Rhodey, so they could have a more encompassing view of the room. Phil would join Pepper's side of the group, rather than Tony's, in order to even the balance of people and keep Phil further away from his parents, who were seated on Tony's side of the room. Poor Rhodey was going to be stuck walking up the aisle with a guy.

 

The wedding march started up suddenly, quieting everyone in the room. All eyes turned towards the doors expectantly. Clint just held his breath and prayed they wouldn't have to break up a fight before Pepper even reached the alter.

 

Jane stepped out first, wrapped in a floor-length lavender dress with her hair just faintly curled. Clint was willing to bet money that Thor was drooling. He could see several other men in attendance who were. He hadn't expected as many people to be present as were (he hadn't thought Tony and Pepper had that many friends), but he was guessing a number of them were business associates.

 

Natasha came next in the same lavender dress with the addition of a very long slit up one side. Scanning her surreptitiously, Clint tried to guess how many weapons she was hiding beneath the dress and where said weapons were hidden. However, he was distracted by the person who came next.

 

Darcy's dress was the same lavender as the other two, but with a top to support her ample bust and highlight her curves. The skirt just avoided touching the ground, unlike the other two dresses, and drew attention to the high heels she was wearing. Ones that Clint knew would make her legs look incredible if he could actually see them. It took Bruce elbowing Clint roughly to bring him out of his stunned state and allow him to focus on what came next: Pepper and Phil.

 

Both siblings appeared just as Darcy reached her spot across from Bruce and, Clint had to admit, Tony was a lucky SOB. Yes, Clint loved Darcy like crazy even with her family issues. But right now? He had to admit that Pepper looked amazing. A glance at Tony confirmed that the genius had noticed it too. The man had stopped his perpetual fidgeting to stare slack-jawed at the woman approaching them.

 

Pepper's dress was slightly off white and flowed around her body like water. She looked beyond beautiful. Beside her, Phil was smiling proudly at his sister, clearly happy for her. In that moment, he actually looked completely human. Clint looked away from the two siblings then and focused on their parents. Both Bruce and Scar were just staring, slack-jawed, at the sight in front of them. Neither looked ready to cause a scene and he really hoped Pepper was right when she said they wouldn't during the ceremony. It would be really uncomfortable to throw his future in-laws out of the chapel.

 

Pepper and Phil reached the alter with relative speed, Phil escorting his sister all the way up and offering her hand to Tony before moving to stand beside Darcy. All three siblings were smiling as the preacher began to speak.

 

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to....”

 

Clint let the rest of the preacher's words fall to the edge of his hearing as he once again began to focus on the ballroom. This really wasn't the part of the wedding they were worried about. The ceremony had already been determined as a safe zone. It was the reception that could prove problematic. Pepper and Darcy had both sworn their parents wouldn't do anything during the actual ceremony; Phil wasn't so sure. Which was why Clint was watching them like a hawk.

 

Thor had gotten more than a bit caught up in the ceremony from what Clint could see. The god was practically crying in his seat. Idly, he wondered what would happen when Thor and Jane were married. He doubted the wedding would be on Earth, but who knew. Maybe they would have one on Earth and one on Asgard. It would make the most sense.

 

Sliding his eyes away from Thor, Clint refocused on Bruce and Scar. Not for the first time, he wished he could read minds. He would give a hell of a  _ lot _ to know what was going through their minds. Then again, with as much as he respected Phil, it might make him want to kill the two adults. The appeared unable to really move or respond to much, their eyes locked on the wedding. It was only Clint's sharp eyes that caught the fact their eyes were locked primarily on Phil. Idly, Clint wondered how much he'd want to hurt his future in-laws if he knew what they were thinking. Given how much he respected Coulson, probably a lot.

 

His thoughts were interrupted suddenly as something hit him in the side of the head. Blinking, he glanced down at the floor where he realized there was a piece of a flower stem resting at his feet. Glancing across, he found Darcy staring at him with a raised eyebrow. Subtly as possible, he stuck his tongue out at her. She just blew him a subtle and silent air kiss, covering it by pretending to push her glasses up her nose. Apparently, Darcy and Pepper were right: wasn't the parents they needed to worry about causing trouble during the ceremony, it was the siblings.

 

Looking forward again, he caught Phil's amused smirk and Pepper's board-room look of exasperation. There was amusement glinting in her eyes though, so she couldn't be too annoyed. With siblings like Darcy and Phil, Clint assumed Pepper had to have a sense of humor. It just maybe wasn't a normal sense of humor, given she had to wrangle Tony all the time.  _ Then again, what kind of sense of humor is a family of wranglers going to have if it isn't abnormal? _ _ I wonder how many times they've sat down together with drinks and swapped stories about stupid things their charges do? Wait, I'm one of those charges. Shit, I really, really hope Coulson never said anything about Rio. Darcy does NOT need to know about Rio. _

 

Something hit him in the side of the head again (probably another stem), drawing his attention once more to the wedding. This time though, from the looks on their faces, Phil was the culprit. Darcy was snickering and Phil was innocently looking forward, but Clint knew that was the face he always wore when he had actually been responsible for whatever upset had just occurred. Of course, if Coulson wanted to, he could fool anyone into believing he was innocent. He just didn't always choose to do that, like right now when his lips were quirked up and his eyes just faintly crinkled. 

 

“You may now kiss the bride.” The loud proclamation by the priest returned Clint's attention to the wedding, his eyes darting towards the pair just as Tony grabbed and dipped Pepper for the kiss. There was plenty of laughter and chuckling from those in attendance and Clint only didn't whistle because he suspected one of the three siblings might hit him. Besides, Darcy beat him to it, prompting more laughter from around the room. Pepper may or may not have subtly flipped her sister off based on the way Coulson and Darcy were both shaking a little with laughter.

 

Righting Pepper, Tony wore the biggest grin on his face as he offered her his elbow and began to lead her down the isle. Rhodey followed, careful to keep himself between Phil and his parents, who's expressions had shifted from shocked to irate. Thor's large form blocked them further from action though, acting as the primary (and likely firmest) barrier. Darcy stepped up next, looping her arm with Bruce's and allowing him to lead her down the aisle towards the back. It would have made Clint's skin prickle, except Bruce wouldn't try anything. The scientist had freely and wholly admitted that Darcy scared him more often than not. Clint couldn't understand it but, hey, even 'pissed off and ready to kill someone' Darcy was hot to him.

 

Nat linking her arm through Clint's drew his attention back to the actual walking part of the ceremony, though really he could probably just let Nat lead him to the doors. Then again, she would probably push him into someone- like Thor for example. Just for the fun of it, of course. Not that he'd have much fun but Nat would probably laugh herself silly over the whole thing. So he forced his attention on walking so his red-headed best friend didn't shoulder check him into some poor soul's lap, only turning his attention from the walkway to glance at Bruce and Scar.

 

Steam was practically blowing from Bruce's nose as he glared at the group like they had personally betrayed him which, given Pepper had asked her brother to walk her down the aisle, they kind of had. Scar, by contrast, looked like she was caught between shock, insult, and actual, physical pain. It was weird to see the play of emotion cross both adults faces, but he couldn't feel bad for them. It just wasn't possible. Not after the crap they'd pulled.

 

Forcing himself to look forward again, Clint focused on where they were walking. His eyes locked on Darcy far ahead of them, her arm linked through Rhodey's as they proceeded to exit the chapel behind Tony and Pepper. They were almost out of the chapel and into the momentary safety of the church. Though Pepper, Darcy, and Phil had insisted the ceremony wasn't going to be targeted, Clint wasn't as convinced. The fact that he had a few taser-strength electric arrows and a net arrow in his pants proved that. He'd have to remove them before Darcy found out though- not only would she start asking if he was carrying arrows whenever they went anywhere, but the list of phallus jokes she could make was pretty extensive. And knowing her, she'd make them at various points around S.H.I.E.L.D. just to make him squirm.

 

Clint released Natasha as soon as they were outside the main hall, letting out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Based on Steve's face, he wasn't the only one who'd been expecting trouble. Come to think of it, his back looked a little rounder than normal...

 

“Steve, are you wearing your shield under your dress shirt?” asked Pepper suddenly, her voice almost edging towards accusing.

 

The red the flooded Steve's cheeks nearly had Tony on the floor as he began cracking up. Still, the super-soldier managed to find something coherent to say at least. “You said there might be trouble.”

 

“Dude, you aren't throwing a shield at our parents,” objected Darcy, though she looked about ready to break down into a fit of laughter too. “I don't care what they do, someone can just pick them up and carry them out. It's not like either one is military trained.”

 

“Darce, it's Tony and Pepper's wedding,” reminded Clint, carefully edging his way into this argument. Darcy shot him a look that clearly said 'so?', to which he tried to refrain from sighing. Security wasn't Darcy's specialty. Not by a long shot. “It's a big event and everyone knows Tony is Iron Man. There's no way we should expect anything less than trouble.”

 

“Please, Pepper will shot anyone who upsets her wedding herself,” dismissed Darcy with a wave of her hand.

 

“How is she supposed to do that without a gun?” asked Clint, only to realize half a second later how stupid that question was. Pepper was armed; of course Pepper was armed. Probably with a gun, courtesy of Phil. Sure enough, she lifted the hem of her dress higher than before to reveal what looked like a taser strapped to her leg. Almost immediately, Clint's eyes turned to examine Darcy's form. “Do you have a gun strapped to your leg as well?”  
  


“Do you have arrows strapped to yours?” countered Darcy in a voice that sounded sarcastic. Clint didn't answer, just shifted uneasily. The look of surprise that crossed Darcy's face would have been funny, if it was from anyone but Darcy. “You actually have arrows strapped to your leg, don't you?”

 

“Two taser-grade electric and a net,” confirmed Clint, shifting a little uncomfortably.

 

“How were you even expecting to get to your weapons?” asked Tony, who looked like he was ready to fall over laughing. “What, were you going to tear off your clothes and attack?”

 

Steve turned even redder, tugging a little at the bow tie he was wearing. “I have another shirt on underneath.”

 

That just sent Tony into further fits and caused Steve to turn redder than before. Even Phil looked a little like he wanted to laugh, though Clint would bet money his boss was armed to the teeth. Then again, all Phil needed to qualify as armed was a bag of flour (Darcy had somehow turned that security footage into the screen saver of every person in S.H.I.E.L.D for a week).

 

A tug on Clint's arm brought his focus back to the room at large. Namely, it was Darcy tugging on his arm that brought his focus back into place.

 

Grinning, she tugged on his arm again and began leading him towards the front doors of the church. “C'mon birdie, let's fly to the reception hall. Pep got the best cake ever. Seriously, if it was legal, I'd be tempted to try to marry it.”

 

“Instead of me?” asked Clint, giving her a wide-eyed look.

 

She pretended to give it serious consideration for a moment, eyes looking him up and down before she let out a slight 'eh' noise and continued pulling him out of the church. “Well, the cake wouldn't argue with me.”

 

“Except you'd probably eat it in a matter of days,” pointed out Clint, trying to stifle his grin. Playing it serious always made these conversations more fun, and he knew Darcy was doing this for him. They'd had a long discussion about big weddings and Clint's dislike of them. She still refused to elope though, citing the high probability her family would murder them both. Before he knew Phil was her brother, he'd thought she might be exaggerating. Now, he was pretty sure she was being semi-serious. Or at least serious about the part where her family murdered him.

 

“Hm, if I married a cake and then ate it, does that count as murder?” wondered Darcy aloud, barely managing to hold her serious voice in place.

 

That was the point when Clint finally cracked, his snickers shaking his shoulders as he pulled open the door of the waiting limo for her. “Ask Tony, he probably knows.”

 

“I don't want to know why Tony would need to know that,” remarked Darcy, sliding into the limo. Clint followed immediately behind, crossing to the other side of the vehicle to sit beside Darcy. “He's now married to my sister, I don't want to know anything about what laws he might or might not have needed to know up until now.”

 

“It's probably safer not to ask,” agreed Clint just as Natasha slid into the vehicle across from them, followed by Steve.

 

“What's safer not to ask?” asked Steve curiously as he settled in beside Natasha. Phil would be joining them last- Rhodey, Thor, Bruce, and Jane would be riding in another limo. And of course, Tony and Pepper got their own. Tony had tried to get each pair their own, but Pepper nixed it with Darcy running back up. This wasn't a movie premier; they could handle sharing limos.

 

“What weird sex and marriage laws Tony might know,” replied Darcy, leaning back into the seat. She snuggled up to Clint a little so their shoulders brushed. “I don't really want to know more about the crazy sex stuff he got arrested for before he married Pepper.”

 

“I'm pretty sure Pepper knows more than anyone,” remarked Natasha, straightening her dress a little. “When I was undercover at Stark Industries, even I saw more than I wanted to of that man. And I was only there for a month.”

 

“Ugh,” muttered Darcy, pressing her face against Clint's shoulder. “Don't tell me these things.”

 

“Don't tell you what things?” asked Phil as he climbed into the limo, pulling the door shut behind him.

 

“She doesn't want to hear about Tony's various exploits and adventures prior to marrying Pepper,” replied Natasha, smirking a bit at Darcy.

 

Phil pulled a face and settled in on the other side of Darcy. “I wish I didn't know. Pepper's told us most of it, at least the things that weren't in litigation.”

 

“That reminds me, someone made Tony get tested right?” asked Darcy, lifting her head from Clint's shoulder. Some of her make-up was left behind on the sleeve, but Clint attempted to ignore it. The lack of Darcy against his shoulder was more troubling.

 

“I did,” confirmed Phil, smiling a bit. “He's some how clean. I'm not sure how he's managed that, but he is.”

 

“You know what? I don't care how,” stated Darcy, settling back in beside Clint. “I'm just glad Pepper isn't going to catch something from him.”

 

“Um, could we change the topic please?” asked Steve, his beet red face staring backing at them with pleading eyes from across the car.

 

Clint snickered, trying to hide the sound as a cough. Pepper's glare told him that he failed. The car started rolling forward then, turning into the street to head towards the hotel where the reception was being held. It momentarily silenced the car.

 

“So, Darcy, are you and Clint thinking about a wedding like that?” asked Steve, changing the subject with the stumbling efficiency he always showed when embarrassed.

 

Clint shifted uneasily in his seat, glancing at Darcy who was giving him an equally uneasy look back. Yeah, they'd discussed a wedding, but they didn't even have a date set yet. It was more like this abstract concept they were still trying to work out between them. Neither one was ready to actually dive right in and discuss details though. They just knew they eventually wanted to get married.

 

“We haven't really talked about it yet,” admitted Darcy, glancing back at the others with a shrug. She didn't elaborate, for which Clint was grateful.

 

Steve apparently wasn't ready to give up the topic though, if only because he was afraid they'd start discussing Tony's sex life again. “Aren't you engaged though?”  
  


“Yeah,” confirmed Darcy with a shrug before she returned to resting her head on Clint's shoulder. “But we've only been engaged for like, a month. We just haven't gotten around to discussing it, you know?”

 

“Even after a month?” questioned Steve, looking more and more confused with every minute that passed. “But shouldn't that be something you start discussing now?”

 

“Not everyone starts planning their wedding immediately Steve,” remarked Natasha, coming to their rescue with the swift efficiency of someone who was used to preforming rescue operations for people. “Especially people like Clint and Darcy. They'll probably go a year, realize they forgot to get married, and then throw something together in a rush at a courthouse.”

 

Darcy hummed a little, pretending to consider Natasha's words. “That actually sounds like a pretty good plan. What do you think Clint?”

 

For a moment, he though she might actually be serious. But a glance at her eyes, namely the way they were so wide and innocent, told him it was all a joke. Pretending to consider the idea him, Clint slowly nodded like he was agreeing. “I like it. Let's do it that way.”

 

“But you can't!” argued Steve, horror crossing his face. “That's not a wedding. Is it?” His eyes darted from Darcy and Clint to Natasha and back again. “Is that what a wedding is now?”  
  


“Steve, Clint and I could run off to Vegas and be married by an Elvis impersonator,” stated Darcy simply, offering him a shrug. The horror just continued to increase on Steve's face to the point where Clint couldn't stop the silent laughter that shook his shoulders.

 

Darcy tried to give him a dirty look, she really did, but the look barely lasted three seconds before she was leaning heavily against him and shaking with her own laughter. That Phil hadn't gotten involved already (and put a stop to their antics) was probably a miracle. Then again, he was beginning to see a less contained side to his boss. A glance over confirmed he was barely containing his own laughter- he could see from the way his eye was twitching.

 

Steve, meanwhile, had gone from horrified to borderline embarrassed pouting. “That wasn't funny, guys.”

 

“I was being serious,” gasped Darcy through her laughter. It took a deep breath for her to finally calm down, though the grin on her face was still firmly set in place. “You can get married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. Clint and I just have more taste than that.” At Phil's snort, she glanced at Clint, considering him for a moment before shrugging and looking back at Steve. “Okay, really, it's that Pepper would kill us. I personally think it would be hilarious.”

 

“It would be funny,” agreed Clint, smirking a bit. “Though I think the Denny's wedding would be funnier.” They'd actually looked up wedding themes and chapels once, just for kicks. It had almost been disturbing. Seriously, who got married at a Denny's?

 

“We could get pancakes,” pointed out Darcy, still grinning like crazy. “That would make it pretty awesome.”

 

Across the car, Steve groaned painfully. It almost made Clint feel bad. Almost. He'd be the first to admit this was hilarious too, though. It wasn't like they were actually going to get married at a Denny's; Darcy was right about Pepper killing them if they did.

 

Steve was saved from further jokes when the limo rolled to a stop and remained that way. Almost immediately, the good captain was climbing out of the car, leaving the laughing remainder of the party behind. Natasha was out behind him, shaking her head a the group in mock disapproval (Clint could see the hit of a grin tugging at the corner of her lips). Which left Phil, Darcy, and Clint sitting in the back seat.

 

Momentarily, things turned awkward. Namely, they turned awkward because Clint hadn't been alone or even semi-alone with Phil since his boss's origins had been made less private (Darcy was there, but he doubted his girlfriend could protect him from her brother). It wasn't that he was really afraid of his boss, just that he was terrified of the man. Clint had seen Phil do things no human should be able to do with the most mundane of objects; he didn't doubt the man could kill him with something so obvious as a seat belt.

 

And of course, it was Phil that broke the uncomfortable silence. “We should probably follow them. Pepper will kill us if we aren't at the reception.”

 

“She won't kill us,” argued Darcy, even as she began maneuvering her way out of the car. “Well, at least not until after the reception. She doesn't want blood on her dress.”

 

Phil chuckled a little, following her lead. “I think you underestimate our dear sister's skills. I'm pretty sure she could kill us all without getting a drop of blood on her dress.”

 

“Okay, yeah, probably,” agreed Darcy from outside the vehicle. “It might still ruin her wedding though!”

 

Clint waited until Phil was halfway across the car before he followed his boss and girlfriend out. Darcy had fallen silent by the time he escaped the car, her and Phil simply staring at the hotel with trepidation. Not that Clint blamed them; he was just as uneasy over the night ahead.

 

“I'm starting to think I shouldn't have come,” muttered Phil under his breath, his unease apparent. “If they ruin Pepper's reception-”

 

“It'll be on them,” stated Darcy firmly, snapping out of her dazed state and grabbing Phil's elbow. Her other arm slid through Clint's just before she began to pull them both towards the hotel entrance. “C'mon. Our sister and friend is in there with our parents. We can't leave her to face that alone.”

 

“And here I thought we were trying to protect your brother from your parents,” joked Clint, even as he willingly followed Darcy inside. “Time to cause a distraction.”

 

“Just try not to blow the place up this time, Barton,” stated Phil, narrowing his eyes a bit at Clint. “And keep your clothes on. We don't need to revisit Rio.”

 

All Clint could do was groan as Darcy's laughter trailed behind them down the hall.

 

\-----------------------------------

 

Beautiful didn't properly describe the reception hall: Tony had literally had the place transformed into an opulent palace. No, really, Clint knew from the recon he'd done days before that the walls certainly were _not_ gilded with real gold. And he wasn't about to even discuss the silk and flowers that were hanging from the ceiling. At least they now knew the word 'subtle' didn't exist in Tony's vocabulary. As things stood, Clint had spent the last hour just staring at the room while tracking Bruce and Scar's locations.

 

It had been weirdly easy so far: Phil had pretty much remained on the opposite side of the room from his parents, careful to keep moving whenever the other two adults did. And so far, neither Bruce nor Scar had attempted to approach him. In fact, they seemed pretty content to speak with Steve and Natasha, something which couldn't be said for the two Avengers as they looked like they wanted to bolt. Especially after the fifth time Scar's hand had come out to rest on Steve's arm.

 

“Are you going to keep staring at my parents all night?” Darcy's voice from beside Clint's head nearly made him jump. There were so many people around, he couldn't hear her approach like he normally could.

 

Glancing back at his fiance, he noted the pout she was giving him. It was her 'I'm bored and you're ignoring me' pout. Usually it was a pout reserved for meetings; that she was pulling it out now meant she clearly had specific expectations from him. And he had no clue what those were. “I thought that was kinda the plan, Darce.”  
  


“No, the plan was for us to keep them separated,” corrected Darcy, leaning down a bit to whisper directly into Clint's ear. “Come on, the others are doing a good job of keeping my parents occupied. Let's dance.”

 

“Darce-” started Clint, only for her to cut him off with a firm look.

 

“This is non-negotiable, birdy,” stated Darcy firmly, stepping around the chair a little to grab at his arm in an attempt to pull him up. “We're dancing. It's my sister's wedding.”

 

“We're going to dance at our own wedding,” pointed out Clint, even as Darcy hoisted him up and began pulling him towards the dance floor. “I'm supposed to be keeping an eye on your parents.”

 

“They're with Steve and Natasha,” pointed out Darcy, spinning them around so she was facing Clint. One of her hands tugged his onto her waist while the fingers of her other hand tangled with his. When she had his hand where she wanted it (which seemed a lot further back and down than he remembered being suitable), she dropped her free hand onto his shoulder and tugged him into a slow dance. “I doubt Mr. American Spirit and Miss. July from the espionage pin-up calender are going to let my parents within 20 feet of Phil.”

 

“But that's the point Darce,” argued Clint as he tried to scan the room. “I'm supposed to be watching to make sure there isn't a mix up in their locations.”

 

Pepper would kill him if he messed up and it ruined her wedding. He wouldn't mention it to Darcy, but her silent look of 'screw up and I will abandon you on a frozen ice cap' had been pretty clear. Clint was the lookout, he was the coordinator. It was his job to make sure there were no mix-ups.

 

“Clint,” stated Darcy firmly, the hand on his shoulder moving to force his chin down so she could meet his eyes. Irritation painted her face as she glared up at him with the impatience he'd come to recognize as something only Darcy seemed capable of pulling off. “They're fine. Breathe. And if Pepper tries to kill you, I'll handle her. Seriously, my sister isn't stealing you for the whole night. Staring at you can only keep my attention for so many hours before I get antsy.”

 

“I've noticed,” remarked Clint, his eyes still locked on Bruce, Scar, Steve, and Natasha. A quick sweep of the room confirmed Phil was still on the other side of the room, far away from his estranged family.

 

Soft hands suddenly gripped Clint's face, tilting his head down a second before Darcy's lips pressed firmly against his. Momentarily, his mind went blank, largely out of shock. One of his hands slid up into her hair, pulling her closer as he let the pressure of her lips distract him momentarily.

 

When she pulled away a second later, Clint tried to pull her back to him again. Laughing, she dropped another quick kiss on his lips before snuggling her head against his throat with a sigh. Tugging gently at his torso, she silently prompted him into beginning to dance again. “Just relax Clint. Nothing is gonna happen. Between the rest of the Avengers, us, Pepper, and Phil, we can do this.”

 

“I'll try Darce,” sighed Clint, his eyes flicking back to where her parents had been a moment ago with Steve and Natasha. Except only Natasha, Steve, and Scar were standing there. “Um, Darce? Do you see your dad?”

 

“Clint,” groaned Darcy, snuggling closer against him as they continued to move. “Just relax. Seriously, my parents aren't gonna do shit. Especially not if they want to ever come to another of our weddings ever again.”

 

“I get that Darce, but-” started Clint, only to be met by a glare from Darcy.

 

“Clint, my parents aren't stupid,” stated Darcy simply. “They aren't gonna do anything disruptive.”

 

“If they were sober, I'd agree Darce,” countered Clint, looking at her worriedly. “But-”

 

A crash and shout from the opposite side of the room made both of them cringe and share a worried glance before they slowly turned towards the disturbance.

 

Everyone at the reception was staring at the table where the wedding cake had formerly been. Formerly being the key word- the cake was now on the ground. With Bruce laying face first in the now destroyed cake. Phil was standing to the left, a look of shock with a touch of guilt planed on his face. It didn't exactly take much effort for Clint to guess what had happened though. Phil was too good to have sent his father careening into the wedding cake on purpose, meaning Bruce had likely done something rash such as taking a swing at Phil and overbalancing into the cake.

 

Sputtering, Bruce pushed himself out of the cake, stumbling slightly as he stood. Shock was painted across his face, as if he couldn't believe what had just happened. The way he was swaying spoke volumes and confirmed what Clint had suspected: he was drunk. Which was confirmed when Bruce scooped a handful of cake from his suit and flung it at Phil. Who automatically ducked, as any good S.H.I.E.L.D agent would do. This meant said cake crashed straight into Pepper, who'd come running as soon as the disturbance began. It splattered across her face, flecking onto her dress and into her hair.

 

Silence momentarily filled the room as everyone stared at her, waiting to see what she did. The silence lasted for all of two seconds, before Tony swiped a finger through the offensive piece of previously flying cake and stuck said finger in his mouth. Clint tried not to groan as Darcy nearly broke into giggles beside him.

 

“Huh, not a bad choice in cake, Pep,” remarked Tony, despite the glare his new wife was giving him. Her glare lasted for half a second before she began to giggle a little. A giggle that was broke off a second later when a loud 'splat' cut through the room.

 

Fearfully, Clint turned his attention back to Phil, who's suit was now splattered with cake. Thrown, by the looks of it, by Scar. And she looked absolutely livid as she supported Bruce, glaring at Phil like he'd committed some personal offense against them.

 

“Phillip Jonas Potts!” shouted Scar, rage flicking in her eyes. Clint actually felt the color draining from his face- it was the same look Darcy gave him when she was pissed. Well, at least he knew where it came from now. “How dare you throw your father into your sister's wedding cake!”

 

“There goes our cover,” muttered Darcy, thumping her shoulder against Clint's shoulder. “Pepper is going to kill someone over this.” Clint winced. Yeah, someone was probably going to get it over this. Probably him given he was supposed to be the look-out.

 

“I didn't throw him into anything,” stated Phil calmly, attempting to brush the cake from his suit. “He threw a punch at _me_ , and I stepped out of the way.”

 

“Don't lie,” growled Scar, narrowing her eyes further. “Your father is a peaceful soul. You're the one who left us to join the military industrial complex!”

 

Phil looked like he was about to say something (either to rebuke his mother's statement or disarm the situation), but Steve stepped up between them instead with his arm held out in a motion meant to keep them separate. “Hey, this is supposed to be a happy day for Pepper. Whatever your family issue is, can you please put it aside for Pepper, if no one else?” The grateful look Phil shot at Steve transformed rapidly into a wince as Scar spoke up again.

 

“Shut it,” growled Scar, shoving her finger into Steve's arm firmly. “You are the reason our son ran off to join the military. It was _your_ example that put thoughts of joining the army into his head! He was trying to emulate _you._ So _you_ have no right to speak!” Her finger repeatedly jabbed into his arm with every word, the fire from earlier flaring up. As if to punctuate her irritation with Steve, she managed to scoop up another handful of cake and threw it...

 

“Did your mother really just throw cake into Captain America's face?” asked Clint in shock. He knew his jaw had to be hanging open, but seriously, it was Steve.

 

Darcy groaned, shaking her head and covering her eyes with her hand. “My mother is the definition of hippy-dom. I'm 90% certain she still refuses to wear a bra.”

 

“This is going to get bad, isn't it?” asked Clint wearily, unable to tear his eyes away from Steve, who still looked shocked, and the woman who'd just _thrown cake in his face_.

 

“Very bad,” confirmed Darcy, her voice weary. Any concerns they had were shattered a moment later though, when a hunk of cake struck Scar squarely in the face.”

 

Pepper marched up then, stepping between her parents, Steve, and Phil. Both of her hands landed on her hips, her irritation beyond apparent as she stared down the two people who'd raised her. She didn't offer an explanation for the flying cake, though Clint caught her shaking frosting and crumbs from her hand. “Enough. All of you. Mom, take Dad back to your room. Clearly, neither of you are sober enough to be here and not start a fight.”

 

“He's not your father!” spoke up Bruce suddenly, straightening up and throwing a finger in Phil's direction. “He's not your father, so why'd he walk you down the aisle? That was _my_ job.”

 

“I had Phil given me away because Phil has always supported me,” stated Pepper simply, crossing her arms. “He's my brother and I love him. When I couldn't talk to either of you, I could talk to him. When he found out about Tony and I, his biggest concern was how Tony treated me and not the fact that Tony ran a company that previously sold weapons. He was concerned with my happiness and not what my boyfriend chose to do for work.”

 

For a moment, Clint thought it might actually be over. That maybe, just maybe Scar and Bruce would back down. Not that the reception probably wasn't over at this point, but hey, maybe there was a chance.

 

Then a piece of cake found it's way straight into Scar's face seconds before another splattered across Bruce's.

 

Pepper's exasperated (and disbelieving) look fell squarely on her brother, who was standing there as if he hadn't just flung baked goods at their parents. He also dropped the innocent look a second later, offering his sister a shrug. “I'm relatively sure your reception was over anyway, Pepper. Plus, they threw cake at Steve.”

 

The grin that broke across Tony's face as he snuck up behind Pepper caught Clint's eye about two seconds before he smeared cake across the back of her neck. She stumbled slightly forward, shock written across her face for two seconds before she picked up a handful of cake and smashed it in her laughing husband's face. The whole situation devolved in seconds after that.

 

Clint still wasn't sure who actually _threw_ the next piece of cake (which splattered across the face of none other than Nick Fury, who was there solely for security reasons), but after that there was no stopping the madness as the reception devolved into a full blown food fight.

 

Some people hurried from the room with indignant cries while others scooped up whatever was closest and joined the fray. A few were snapping photos from behind tables that Clint was pretty sure would end up on the internet later (and Darcy would likely have to subsequently remove through less than legal means) and many more appeared to be in pure shock. For his part, Clint grabbed Darcy and pulled her beneath the closest table, flipping it over for cover as the chaos devolved.

 

For a second, the pair stared at each other in shock, unable to believe _any_ of this was happening. Seriously, they'd been expecting a fist fight at worst, not a food fight. How many food fights were there at wedding receptions anyway? This had to be a first. At least, for a wedding this size it did.

 

Giggling broke Clint out of his thoughts, his eyes turning to Darcy. Her shoulders shook silently as she tried to restrain her laughter, though it was pretty clear she was failing. A smile tugged at the corner of Clint's lips at the sight and remained for about half a second before he broke into his own laughter.

 

For two minutes they remained, laughing, behind the upturned table.

 

It was Darcy who managed to get herself under control first, taking several deep breaths in an attempt to regain her composure. The grin she shot at Clint was massive. “Only my family, right?”

 

Clint just nodded, still gasping for breath. It took him a second to regain his breathing enough that he could talk. “Only your family.” Glancing over the up-turned table, he noted the food was still flying and it looked like the remaining people had at last joined in. Ducking back down, he took up Darcy's hand. “C'mon, we should leave now before security shows up.”

 

“What, just abandon them?” asked Darcy in surprise, raising an eyebrow as she took Clint's hand all the same. He tugged her into a crouching gently, checking behind the table again. “Can we do that?”

 

“Unless we feel like getting arrested,” confirmed Clint, checking again before he tugged her out from behind the table and bolted for the door. “Someone needs to be free to bail them out later.”

 

He'd expected her to show more resistance, but the way she was giggling told him she was completely on board with his plan. Which was probably for the best, because he'd get arrested before leaving her behind. And, well, suffice to say, the police knew him by name by now.

 

He didn't slow down once they hit the hallway though, navigating them towards the back of the hotel where he'd had the foresight to park his car earlier in the day, just in case something happened. There was no such thing as too many escape routes. Besides, someone would need to bail the others out later.

 

Grinning as they reached the car, Clint opened the side door and offered Darcy a hand in, which she took as always. Bracing an arm on the car frame, Clint leaned forward a little to kiss her quickly. “So Darce, how does eloping sound now? I hear Vegas is beautiful this time of year.”

**Author's Note:**

> Don't kill me please.


End file.
